Thirty Minute Pandora Challenge

Throbbing Gristle (not Gisele)

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 15:58:41 -0400

Type throbbing into google and the suggestions are “throbbing gristle”, “throbbing headache”, and “throbbing tooth pain”. This is not begining well.

First song “what a day”. To be honest it’s a tad bit catchy, but also I’m pretty sure it is the song that the kidnappers blast into the kidnappees cell in the movie Ransom. I think it was Ransom anyway.

I can recap the rest pretty easily: Put 5-10 toddlers into a room of modern musical instruments, and record it for 5 minutes. If these toddlers have some sort of behavioral problem, even better. Even if they never touch an instument, it doesn’t matter, keep recorded. If one of them accidently knocks over a keyboard or starts peeing in the corner…gold.

Then, record your voice saying something random like “I am on the street corner”, “I am terrified”, or “it is me with the umbrella” and play that repeating over and over on top of it, at half speed.

Now listen to it back for 25 minutes and you have this #PandoraChallenge.

The last song was named “Suicide”, and it was done live with an audience shouting and applauding at the end. People go to concerts of this stuff? Is there a Concert Challenge we are not aware of?

Skrillex

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 15:56:07 -0400

Other than feeling like I was in a dream being chased by a machine that wanted to eat my family, this was a tame challenge. No revelations here. DeadMau5 sucks… No news here. Sorry Brenton I turned up the volume and I’m keeping this station.

I would not buy the music except to torture others as it appears that I’m immune to the poison. If I ever feel animosity towards a family member, I’ll blast it while they are in the room.

Lata Mangeshkar

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 15:50:30 -0400

I’m not even going to bother with the song names. I’ve been given Lata Mangeshkar, who is apparently a classic Desi vocalist who sounds like a failed Disney protaganist. The song itself is very complicated, orchestral, and well-done, but the production was old, making the flutes sound like bandsaws and the strings like a chain dragging through an echoy garage. Not much to like so far.

Next is a track from the “classic songs from the hindi cinema of the sixty’s.” The sound quality is better, but the vocals are as strident. The word strident was invented to describe these vocals. If not for that, it wouldn’t be totally different from your average Doris Day tune from an old movie. But those vocals are like electrified barbed wire stretching through your brain.

Finally, a male singer. I feel like I’m chasing James Bond through the streets of New Dehli. It’s actually not awful.

A few more songs have gone by, they’re all equally bad, but none more than the others. I can really relate to the lyrics, at least. Man, the mastering work is awful for these songs. It’s only a problem because I keep thinking the song is about to fade out, and then it doesn’t, which is kind of cruel.

I’m hungry for curry.

Bottom line. This challenge was by far the most mild yet, but that doesn’t mean it was pleasant. It was probably about the same as a single paper cut on the back of your hand.

Laurie Berkner

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 18:07:11 -0400

Childrens music doesn’t always hurt, or does it? If this was non-stop Barney music, that would have been torture. Maybe this would have been hard if I was not already used to annoying kids music.

At the 15 minute mark, I feel pretty good about this challenge.

Update at the 20 minute mark- Bluebird by Milkshake has me a little concerned about my mental stability for the remaining 10 minutes.

“I’m Me and You’re You” follows Bluebird. I think this challenge is going the way it was intended.

This just in… I have an update on Lisa Loeb and her career: she’s gone from making annoying songs for adults to making annoying kid’s songs.

A cover of “I can tell we are gonna be friends” at the finish line. Not a tough challenge overall. Also not going to save the station…

Yael Naim & David Donatien - New Soul was the best song of the group. It’s a lot less annoying than the kids music at our house, and may pick up the album.

Jimmy Sturr & His Orchestra

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:49:40 -0400

There are many reasons why I would prefer not to be taken back to memories of the square dancing portion my fifth grade PE class curriculum. Many reasons. However, if that is the worse that this round of the pandora challenge can muster, then I count myself a lucky man.

Most of the pain was spent enduring Jimmy and his strangely popular album “Polka in Paradise”. A trip to New Hampshire square dancing followed, but then was rescued by surprising entrants in The Pogues, and The Kinks.

Has anyone ever bought a song on the challenge before? I feel blessed. Thank you #30MinutePandoraChallenge for your mercy.

Waka Flocka Flame

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:32:00 -0400

I start with a slow jam of sorts called Round of Applause. It features Drake. It is one of the worst things I have ever heard. The rapping somehow manages to be both horribly offensive and non-sensical. He just said “OMG.”

Next, Lil Wayne with “John.” It’s really just cussing over ProTools. Additionally, it appears an AK-47 is his f***ing address. He also wants to be remembered like John Lennon. It’s good to have goals.

Next, Lemonade from Gucci Mane. It’s, weird. Children sing the hook, and mercifully, I don’t know what they’re saying. My extremities are starting to feel funny.

Next, Wiz Khalifa with Taylor Gang. This song seems to be mostly about smoking pot, which is a more pleasant topic than the previous three. Spoke too soon. Misogyny makes a violent appearance. Sounds like someone found an orchestral pad in ProTools and decided it was good enough for EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF THE SONG. Also, the chorus is repeating the phrase “Taylor Gang” 24 times. Who says rap is dead?

Next, a commercial. It sounds amazing.

Next, Waka Flocka Flame, O Let’s Do It. He’s f****** with white folks, but he also identifies himself as Al Pacino. There’s a headache forming between my eyebrows.

Next, Drake with Headlines. I think maybe this album is critically acclaimed. It’s better than the other dreck I’ve heard, in truth. I just tapped my foot - only once, but it definitely tapped. It also has a staccato synth sample looping incessantly that reminds me of a Spoon song, and that makes this relatively painless.

Next, Soulja Boy with Pretty Boy Swag. The lyrics sound like they were written by a 8 year old boy with several older brothers. Well, it sounds like that’s who it was rapped by, too. And who it was produced by. Honestly, who likes this? 8 year old boys?

And last, Chris Brown with F.A.M.E. I’m really trying to tune the music out at this point. This marks three songs in a row artist has allegedly had someone “on my d***.” Congrats, fellas. There was more musicality on this tune, too. A whole lot more creative. Pandora didn’t leave the worst for last, but that’s not saying much.

In summary: this one was worse than a dozen mosquito bites, but not as bad as a neck tattoo.

Captain and Tenille

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:45:45 -0400

I do like to think of myself as the first ever survivor of two #PandoraChallenges. In this experience, it started with ‘Shop Around’ which set the tone. The most interesting part was when I nearly fell out of my chair listening to Muskrat Love. I laughed with tears in my eyes. Those laughs quickly subsided when Olivia Newton-John came on. Two ONJ songs can endanger a person’s life. The Captain and Tenille playlist can seriously hurt someone. Do use caution when challenging with C&T.

Slayer

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:31:16 -0400

My playlist started and ended with Slayer. In the middle, there was Anthrax, Metallica, Megadeth, and Pantera. What made this particularly painful was that it was absolutely unrelenting. When a commercial finally happened, it was a sweet relief, if only for 15 seconds. The #30MinutePandoraChallenge turned everything upside down.

Toby Kieth

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 17:26:54 -0400

There was a while where I thought I could die. It was during a Kenny Chesney song about a sexy tractor. Currently seeking a good therapist to help cope with the experience - if you know of someone good. Let me know.